Denial

I know now the extent to everything. The conversations with Daniel, that you stayed with him. That you talked to him. That you were dating him at the same time keeping one foot out the door the whole time.  I didn't have someone or anyone I was relying on outside of you. That's why you didn't trust my love and my intention because you never trusted it yourself. Because you couldn't trust yourself. 

And it happened. All the things that you didn't trust came to a head and you exploded in rage on me because I wasn't having another day or moment where you implied/said projected your own fears onto me. But that's not all the work you said you were doing wasn't about us. It was about you as it should be. But why was I the focus of your own fears? Because i wanted you? All of you dark sexual you? Bright beautiful you? Sad hurt you? Amazing loving us? I had to be perfect. You never allowed me to be sad, hurt, confused, depressed, I was some spin off of an idea. Not a real person. You never really thought about how I felt when you were angry. You thought about yourself. Even when you apologized you said what you did to me hurt you worse, like you were a master and I was a rogue slave not in line with what you desired in my behavior, my body, my dress, my actions. But nothing was farther from that truth. I love you Michael. I know you hurt, crave, want it over, escape, run, fight, give in...  I wanted to be your refuge from it but instead you made me into the cause of it. And never listened to my hurt and my pain. Yours was always worse. And I deserved to feel it. I was never with anyone when we were together. never. I did when we were apart and I felt horrible. But I thought how could the man I love hurt me like this? But you were and you never denied it.  Gym guy? And who else? I smelled your beard once and kNew you had eaten someone else ass. On more than one occasion.  I read an email that said (4tg of July) pkease don't even cuddle, hug or anything with anyone else while you were doing that same thing with Daniel while , I was crying and sad alone with heterosexual people.
He was in love with you and you strung him along.  Told me he was a stalker. 

Blame blame blame you said I blame you. You projected onto me your own lies. I wasn't  looking for a way out I was looking for a way forward. 

But how? You told me I was fucking everyone, you believed it, and now it just sucks. 

Because you have your family, acquaintances, friends, life here and I have nothing but my job which I love.  But you denied me anything else my family, my friends, and even Harley with us at night in bed. 

Why? Because they would have said no, that's not right, you deserve more. You are beautiful and kind and he doesn't or won't see it. 

That's why you love me, because inspite of all that had happened I know your heart. Your true self, and I wanted everyone to see it. 

But you were not ready. 

That night even, how loving you were to my cause and my kids . Love.

When you made trips to school to bring me lunch. Love. 

When I held you at night and you squeezed back. Love.

When you told me horrible stories of your trauma as a child. And I listened, and loved you so hard. 

When you cried because your struggle was so hard, Love.

When you needed my help with school, Love. 

When you lashed out at me after we went to Canada and we couldn't get in, and I was patient and forgiving, Love. 

When I forgave you for saying hurtful words, Love. When you forgave me for for having sec after you beat me, Love, 

When you told me you would never hurt me again, Love. 

When you got high and left over and over, Love. 

The night you called me a slut, whore because I wanted lube, 

And I was beaten over the head and left for dead. 

Then worried I had brain bleed. And you lied to the police and said i had hit you, 

When we sat in jail I was caked in blood and in disgustingly hot uniform of the jail, 

When you apologized for hurting me and said it hurt you worse while I still have open wounds on my scalp months later, 

When I tried to contact you knowing I could lose all my family and friends if I forgave you, Love 

How you rejected it,

How I search everyday to see if your okay, Love. 

How I wish I could just be next to you and none of that happened, Love

How I know now none of it was my fault, Love.

How so many people see me as kind and caring and capable of love, Love

How you always made me feel like I was a piece of shit and selfish, 

I wasn't ever. 

How you blamed me for not coming to the hospital after I brought you there, 

How you fought with my mother and then expected me to abandon her for you telling me I gave you a bacterial infection that you got on your own, 

How you treated me in Idaho when I did everything you asked but it wasn't enough, 

And I still loved you and forgave you for being selfish, Love

How you reacted when we first got together and I offered you a place to stay but you kept using and pushed me away, 

How I gave in and let you get away with it, 

How I tolerated name calling and screaming in my face to the point my own anger and yelling came out, 

How you threw a bottle of dish detergent at my head,

How you held my neck and lied about contacting my ex, 

How you scared my dog, 

How we scared our dogs, 

How I drank to deal with it, 

How you drank with me and lost your marbles over and over 

How we made love, Love

How you shamed my sexual desires and yours,

How you shamed me,

Did you want me to die? 

Do you want me to die? 

If you had killed me would you feel ok? 

Are you high right now? Do you really think I can recover from all that? 

Sent from my iPhone

The longest nightmare, am I in a coma?
I came home from work, I bought us dinner which I rarely eat now. It sucks.
Our house is hollow and the I love yous just echo in your absence
I keep saying them...sometimes in the truck at the top of my lungs
Like you could hear me
Or want to
I saw a picture of you and you look sad
I'm not sure you understand
Eveday when I have to be still it feels like someone is literally sacrificing my heart
Like that Indiana Jones scene or some ancient Mexican ritual
It tears at me,
And I howl...at the unseen fist or device that is wrenching and turning it
It Pulls and twist harder and harder
My eyes hurts from the constant salty stream.
I can't see things clearly.
 I thought it was because I was hungry
But then it was pointed out I havent gone a single day without enduring this torture
I have to relive it everyday.
That night you would not stop, that night you wanted to harm me to oblivion
That night you lied, and made me suffer in a space I never deserved to be in

I'd never hurt you like that
I'd never force you to suffer
I love you.

Any will to go on: Is lost.
automated crying man,
My heart my body they are disappearing in a bottle of antidepressants.
I can't bear morning, day or night. I just want to wake up
Sometimes my dreams I get to hold you again... maybe  that's reality
And I'm so happy I can't remember my nightmares.
 A kiss and
I can almost feel your ...
heartbeat
again
Then
I wake up to find the dents, and lines are still there...Hurry move before the..
waterworks
Red face puffy eyes starving. Purposeless, robot.
No one ever hurt me like this.
No one.

We dreamed together.
The love of my life, my partner, my heart.
I think too much of you holding a baby in your arms, sweet smiles and kisses.
My favorite place.  My furnace.
My companion.
The one I waited for my whole life to meet.
Gone

I want to ask you so many questions but most of them have no words.
--the first one involves your hands. I'd feel for them and I'd cup mine in yours, lace our fingers to.gether, pull and release... then I'd take your hands to my head, and let you feel how you rearranged my scalp, my skull.. the bumps that were once a seamless pattern now grotesquesky marked with deep fissures and lines.
I'd never say a word...but I'd watch those beautiful brown eyes horrified and filled with love weep with the ideas and thoughts of your hand's consequences on my body.

Shifting

I'm lying in bed, drenched in sweat and there is a distinct crack in my body from way down the middle up to my chest center.
It turns the flash in my brain on: a translucence yellow red brown a pull from behind..
My thoughts remain a mix of your movements skin and voice
I can feel it when I speak to call my ruddy companion...I hear your voice instead
I turn right onto my side: the whole world changes colors it shift the pain towards my eyes

Repositioning my cage

They have repositioned my cage.
in this one, the spiders crawl and lurk with their poison in the windows and door ways. damp and wet waterworld, this one.
no longer is the evening bell calling home the young blue.
or the morning moan of tall ships booming...just a quiet and silent place. the kind where the only madness is the solitude created from the brick cage.
suits me...the brick walls and poison spiders. my new fortress...
maybe the red army will take me and bury me deep in their dunes in the coming months.
out in the desert TA KLA MAK AN. or however it is spoken.
my dizzy spells brings me back down to the bed....in the damp cage.

maybe its too late they won. already. that part taken from my lower left.
the other from my back....
just gnawing on those parts out back.

set a fuse? make the trick...hold up that mirror? game on.  no one deliver the chisel anymore. so its tunnel to China.

Esperanza

Last year I remember being filled with such hope. The idea of moving to a new place and starting over gave me so much confidence and belief in myself I actually came out of hiding again.
I thought about all the hiking trips I would be able to take...I thought about the photographs, and artwork that would come from my experience...working, creating ....My friends and family would be proud of me again. I would have accomplished a goal: set myself free.

It all shattered though...I did not get any of the 7 jobs I applied for. The one I was most hoping for was in Montana. Bozeman...sitting high up in the mountains in a progressive art town...surrounded by beautiful mountains to explore...wow...I sure did a good job living in that dream...

Then thinking I would get a job at the ski school in Colorado teaching art...spending the days hiking, skiing with students...I really believed it would happen...too...

Even Maryland...with the excitement of DC nearby, the access to lower international airfares and one of my best friends in the whole world...the possibility I might even meet someone there. In such a large city, like Baltimore....surely there might be someone for me...beautiful, sense of adventure, literate, lover of art music, culture...but grounded enough not to float away...

When none of that worked out. I ran away for a few days, I turned off my phone, I didnt speak to anyone really either. I took off to Atlanta with Frank on an adventure. A quiet, hopeless adventure then did not involve sunlight or rain. My eyes glazed over. and Im trying to see things clearly again.

South Florida, Austin, New Mexico, Colorado....I guess this is my prayer to the universe.
Universe please provide me with the opportunites I seek....The courage to soar and the strength to carry on despite several years of disappointments.

The entire part of my body is aching and itching to with this massive collar chocking my strong neck
each hair has some sensation at the same time. scratching and and itchin in this drying dust
the trap is all set...the slaves are all new and several colors
believers in some ridiculous institution of help
needing some assistant and ready to let blood to
gorge others on their viscerated limbs
and sewn back up slightly
and wobbling around
translucent orange tears on dark blank faces
there is a fence around this stake stuck in the ground
as long as the cost of gasoline
and as tight as healthcare
as the path gets worn and weary
my eyes become duller
green seeping out...
sicken now with yellow pollen rotweed
i wait in my cage to die.

May the 27th
Wishing yourself to be some other thing it is not
Its all with the knots and sharp barbed wires...
but thats the part the firey mess thump thump
i want to disconnect...and i want to dettach it...remove it out of my chest and bury it in the back yard...to be eaten by worms...and given back to something that could truly use it...

waste of flesh. waste of time...
waste of love.

there is no weed to be pulled, no painting to be revealed, no more damn words.