Denial

I know now the extent to everything. The conversations with Daniel, that you stayed with him. That you talked to him. That you were dating him at the same time keeping one foot out the door the whole time.  I didn't have someone or anyone I was relying on outside of you. That's why you didn't trust my love and my intention because you never trusted it yourself. Because you couldn't trust yourself. 

And it happened. All the things that you didn't trust came to a head and you exploded in rage on me because I wasn't having another day or moment where you implied/said projected your own fears onto me. But that's not all the work you said you were doing wasn't about us. It was about you as it should be. But why was I the focus of your own fears? Because i wanted you? All of you dark sexual you? Bright beautiful you? Sad hurt you? Amazing loving us? I had to be perfect. You never allowed me to be sad, hurt, confused, depressed, I was some spin off of an idea. Not a real person. You never really thought about how I felt when you were angry. You thought about yourself. Even when you apologized you said what you did to me hurt you worse, like you were a master and I was a rogue slave not in line with what you desired in my behavior, my body, my dress, my actions. But nothing was farther from that truth. I love you Michael. I know you hurt, crave, want it over, escape, run, fight, give in...  I wanted to be your refuge from it but instead you made me into the cause of it. And never listened to my hurt and my pain. Yours was always worse. And I deserved to feel it. I was never with anyone when we were together. never. I did when we were apart and I felt horrible. But I thought how could the man I love hurt me like this? But you were and you never denied it.  Gym guy? And who else? I smelled your beard once and kNew you had eaten someone else ass. On more than one occasion.  I read an email that said (4tg of July) pkease don't even cuddle, hug or anything with anyone else while you were doing that same thing with Daniel while , I was crying and sad alone with heterosexual people.
He was in love with you and you strung him along.  Told me he was a stalker. 

Blame blame blame you said I blame you. You projected onto me your own lies. I wasn't  looking for a way out I was looking for a way forward. 

But how? You told me I was fucking everyone, you believed it, and now it just sucks. 

Because you have your family, acquaintances, friends, life here and I have nothing but my job which I love.  But you denied me anything else my family, my friends, and even Harley with us at night in bed. 

Why? Because they would have said no, that's not right, you deserve more. You are beautiful and kind and he doesn't or won't see it. 

That's why you love me, because inspite of all that had happened I know your heart. Your true self, and I wanted everyone to see it. 

But you were not ready. 

That night even, how loving you were to my cause and my kids . Love.

When you made trips to school to bring me lunch. Love. 

When I held you at night and you squeezed back. Love.

When you told me horrible stories of your trauma as a child. And I listened, and loved you so hard. 

When you cried because your struggle was so hard, Love.

When you needed my help with school, Love. 

When you lashed out at me after we went to Canada and we couldn't get in, and I was patient and forgiving, Love. 

When I forgave you for saying hurtful words, Love. When you forgave me for for having sec after you beat me, Love, 

When you told me you would never hurt me again, Love. 

When you got high and left over and over, Love. 

The night you called me a slut, whore because I wanted lube, 

And I was beaten over the head and left for dead. 

Then worried I had brain bleed. And you lied to the police and said i had hit you, 

When we sat in jail I was caked in blood and in disgustingly hot uniform of the jail, 

When you apologized for hurting me and said it hurt you worse while I still have open wounds on my scalp months later, 

When I tried to contact you knowing I could lose all my family and friends if I forgave you, Love 

How you rejected it,

How I search everyday to see if your okay, Love. 

How I wish I could just be next to you and none of that happened, Love

How I know now none of it was my fault, Love.

How so many people see me as kind and caring and capable of love, Love

How you always made me feel like I was a piece of shit and selfish, 

I wasn't ever. 

How you blamed me for not coming to the hospital after I brought you there, 

How you fought with my mother and then expected me to abandon her for you telling me I gave you a bacterial infection that you got on your own, 

How you treated me in Idaho when I did everything you asked but it wasn't enough, 

And I still loved you and forgave you for being selfish, Love

How you reacted when we first got together and I offered you a place to stay but you kept using and pushed me away, 

How I gave in and let you get away with it, 

How I tolerated name calling and screaming in my face to the point my own anger and yelling came out, 

How you threw a bottle of dish detergent at my head,

How you held my neck and lied about contacting my ex, 

How you scared my dog, 

How we scared our dogs, 

How I drank to deal with it, 

How you drank with me and lost your marbles over and over 

How we made love, Love

How you shamed my sexual desires and yours,

How you shamed me,

Did you want me to die? 

Do you want me to die? 

If you had killed me would you feel ok? 

Are you high right now? Do you really think I can recover from all that? 

Sent from my iPhone

The longest nightmare, am I in a coma?
I came home from work, I bought us dinner which I rarely eat now. It sucks.
Our house is hollow and the I love yous just echo in your absence
I keep saying them...sometimes in the truck at the top of my lungs
Like you could hear me
Or want to
I saw a picture of you and you look sad
I'm not sure you understand
Eveday when I have to be still it feels like someone is literally sacrificing my heart
Like that Indiana Jones scene or some ancient Mexican ritual
It tears at me,
And I howl...at the unseen fist or device that is wrenching and turning it
It Pulls and twist harder and harder
My eyes hurts from the constant salty stream.
I can't see things clearly.
 I thought it was because I was hungry
But then it was pointed out I havent gone a single day without enduring this torture
I have to relive it everyday.
That night you would not stop, that night you wanted to harm me to oblivion
That night you lied, and made me suffer in a space I never deserved to be in

I'd never hurt you like that
I'd never force you to suffer
I love you.

Any will to go on: Is lost.
automated crying man,
My heart my body they are disappearing in a bottle of antidepressants.
I can't bear morning, day or night. I just want to wake up
Sometimes my dreams I get to hold you again... maybe  that's reality
And I'm so happy I can't remember my nightmares.
 A kiss and
I can almost feel your ...
heartbeat
again
Then
I wake up to find the dents, and lines are still there...Hurry move before the..
waterworks
Red face puffy eyes starving. Purposeless, robot.
No one ever hurt me like this.
No one.

We dreamed together.
The love of my life, my partner, my heart.
I think too much of you holding a baby in your arms, sweet smiles and kisses.
My favorite place.  My furnace.
My companion.
The one I waited for my whole life to meet.
Gone

I want to ask you so many questions but most of them have no words.
--the first one involves your hands. I'd feel for them and I'd cup mine in yours, lace our fingers to.gether, pull and release... then I'd take your hands to my head, and let you feel how you rearranged my scalp, my skull.. the bumps that were once a seamless pattern now grotesquesky marked with deep fissures and lines.
I'd never say a word...but I'd watch those beautiful brown eyes horrified and filled with love weep with the ideas and thoughts of your hand's consequences on my body.

Shifting

I'm lying in bed, drenched in sweat and there is a distinct crack in my body from way down the middle up to my chest center.
It turns the flash in my brain on: a translucence yellow red brown a pull from behind..
My thoughts remain a mix of your movements skin and voice
I can feel it when I speak to call my ruddy companion...I hear your voice instead
I turn right onto my side: the whole world changes colors it shift the pain towards my eyes

Repositioning my cage

They have repositioned my cage.
in this one, the spiders crawl and lurk with their poison in the windows and door ways. damp and wet waterworld, this one.
no longer is the evening bell calling home the young blue.
or the morning moan of tall ships booming...just a quiet and silent place. the kind where the only madness is the solitude created from the brick cage.
suits me...the brick walls and poison spiders. my new fortress...
maybe the red army will take me and bury me deep in their dunes in the coming months.
out in the desert TA KLA MAK AN. or however it is spoken.
my dizzy spells brings me back down to the bed....in the damp cage.

maybe its too late they won. already. that part taken from my lower left.
the other from my back....
just gnawing on those parts out back.

set a fuse? make the trick...hold up that mirror? game on.  no one deliver the chisel anymore. so its tunnel to China.

Esperanza

Last year I remember being filled with such hope. The idea of moving to a new place and starting over gave me so much confidence and belief in myself I actually came out of hiding again.
I thought about all the hiking trips I would be able to take...I thought about the photographs, and artwork that would come from my experience...working, creating ....My friends and family would be proud of me again. I would have accomplished a goal: set myself free.

It all shattered though...I did not get any of the 7 jobs I applied for. The one I was most hoping for was in Montana. Bozeman...sitting high up in the mountains in a progressive art town...surrounded by beautiful mountains to explore...wow...I sure did a good job living in that dream...

Then thinking I would get a job at the ski school in Colorado teaching art...spending the days hiking, skiing with students...I really believed it would happen...too...

Even Maryland...with the excitement of DC nearby, the access to lower international airfares and one of my best friends in the whole world...the possibility I might even meet someone there. In such a large city, like Baltimore....surely there might be someone for me...beautiful, sense of adventure, literate, lover of art music, culture...but grounded enough not to float away...

When none of that worked out. I ran away for a few days, I turned off my phone, I didnt speak to anyone really either. I took off to Atlanta with Frank on an adventure. A quiet, hopeless adventure then did not involve sunlight or rain. My eyes glazed over. and Im trying to see things clearly again.

South Florida, Austin, New Mexico, Colorado....I guess this is my prayer to the universe.
Universe please provide me with the opportunites I seek....The courage to soar and the strength to carry on despite several years of disappointments.

The entire part of my body is aching and itching to with this massive collar chocking my strong neck
each hair has some sensation at the same time. scratching and and itchin in this drying dust
the trap is all set...the slaves are all new and several colors
believers in some ridiculous institution of help
needing some assistant and ready to let blood to
gorge others on their viscerated limbs
and sewn back up slightly
and wobbling around
translucent orange tears on dark blank faces
there is a fence around this stake stuck in the ground
as long as the cost of gasoline
and as tight as healthcare
as the path gets worn and weary
my eyes become duller
green seeping out...
sicken now with yellow pollen rotweed
i wait in my cage to die.

May the 27th
Wishing yourself to be some other thing it is not
Its all with the knots and sharp barbed wires...
but thats the part the firey mess thump thump
i want to disconnect...and i want to dettach it...remove it out of my chest and bury it in the back yard...to be eaten by worms...and given back to something that could truly use it...

waste of flesh. waste of time...
waste of love.

there is no weed to be pulled, no painting to be revealed, no more damn words.

Glass

I thought about a man I met in Santa Fe

He encouraged me to be strong and sturdy and I became that for a while

Was able to walk many miles up hill for hours and never want to smoke a cigarette.



We came to talk about family one day and I was hoping and thinking all of this,

all of this work was going to have its big payday.
I was finally what they wanted: Trimmed hair.

Strong belly. Clear mind.


Meeting the cohorts and gemmed ladies, and feminine men...we sat in a room...
Watching the picture show, bore through with holes, melted circular browning spaces.
I could start to feel that day the chiseled space he manualy dug into my side.

They are angry because all I have left to say happy is...

8 hours of of snowfall, picture windows, certain yogic positions. And the legacy of weaving.

I know the tonality of his voice, I remember the day, I opened up my purple box on that high shelf next to my tiny refrigerator that had dust on it: My cave lit with fluroescence, the heater broken before I ever owned a cell phone. The expense of long distance...AT&T.

On the other end of that phone line someone, he, telling me my months were wrong, my body was confused and my heart works right in some other universe.

Thats when I started buying fragile objects at thrift stores. Old glass tea cups, brown and blue. Plates, ceramic cups...trash really. SMASH, CRASH! I liked to hear the sound of it on the stone floors. -- When you break glass you can never be sure if you get all the pieces. Sometimes they end up lodged in your bare foot weeks or months later; some memory or knowledge of that phone call stuck into my skin, covering the ground I walked on..

5-5-08

Rung after rung the bars slides under my hands, it pinches and grips tight as I face the top, pulling myself up
my minature sysiphian task
ending with hot oven metal scorching my thighs and calves.
my expression has not changed much since those days
there is no point to the hot iron burn and dirt stands under my nails
and the holes in my clothes, the paint stains in my hair.

stuff and numb with piss colored beverages, and quick filter light brand smokes
when i think like this
tonight every movement works it way down, the hair on my head soft clean
my hand reaches toward my neck, traces the minerals tied to it, and some image
floats inward...

deepest physical pain i know, strikes me repeatedly like bastard lightning.
i close my eyes and say aloud forget, forget.
the next sight: the funny colored image box, laughing tapes, and places i never visited.

untitled

I showered last night, this morning
Soaked and wet, my skin reveals
hand prints and movements circular and wide
recalling these flashes that beam inside my internal picture show.

your eyes dilate wide right in front of me
slivers of blue around dark black infinite circles

my mouth reaches for salty tastes the lines and marks on your skin

Hearing your stories you remark as boring, and I dive inside each one: seeing you
walking at twelve on a dirt road, buzzing sounds of insects and tall grasses
you maybe smiling or just looking off in the distant making the long haul
easier for your mind

Words fall so short in time.
they are useless for what my eyes and hands could tell you.
as they have started tatooing
movements and rhythms...
eyes and mouths making the syllables more clear
you have authored in this poem.

Out on the mesatop you can see for miles in everday direction
the descent of blue to light and gold the clouds painted out of some french masterpiece.
the rain soars down to the earth and the smell of sage fills me up like an icy cold glass of water from some stint wandering around looking at the twisted gnarled juniper trees.
i heard that they were 300 hundred years most of them
older than the railroad whistles that i heard shaking my bedroom windows.

Note on the bottom

You are discovering all the truths too late.

Walking aimlessly in your self absorbed haze.

I am seeing the marks being made and the ways that I was not meant for certain oatmeal cookie diagrams.

Phone calls are meaningless and voice mails echo long distant paths unrelentlenting whispers.

I am marking a specific day to revel in my own spirit...pointing at the faces of those unlucky few that step through fate's door onto this porch.

The sheer wind cutting through my body, the effortless cascade of flesh into slumber. And the searchlights.

Note in the bottom says, "emancipated from the terror."

Fevers

The slight side of my body aches and burns in the
sweat drenched sheets
my mind goes back and forth between
thoughts of the gym: the forever treadmill
thoughts of the blue eyed sycophant

i keep bending over and grabing my stomach
empty and pulsing from the shock of symptoms

my eyes shut and i begin an almost immediate dreamstate
where and what can i see?
the great monuements the tall steep cliffs
the red rocks and the double rainbows all surround me
comforting me in this state

i see you far away stranded on the apex of mountains.
you wave and notice the shine from the glint of your watch in the bright
desert soon.
i wish my arms were wrapped around seepinging inside you
my legs locked and twisted into yours as breathe reaches inside our mouths
our eyes are closed dreaming novels together.

my momentary fever ridden love poem.

never known

right up the steep climb, deep and hard to reach
the slow trickling stream
the hard high rocks.
the placid marsh lake surrounded by cirque.
the place where it ballooned and swelled and burst a thousand times.

thickened molasses sung songs.
the vibrancy of voice
a slow pace and boyish demeanor.
secrets inside the thoughts.

masks, rows of clowns walking in circles.
the chariot ride toward the carnival shows.
the thud and crash of streetcars
and the sounds of pouring rain
under and through we dance

you have no questions for angels, just directions.
the absence startles the minks in their boarded cages.
its quiet though
so the suttle hiss and throb of the spider
never reach to our ears.

we have become blackened
gropin our ways in synetic circumstances.

Unimportant

The generalities you say.
We all know that, we all experience that.
When he doesnt ask if you are ok, after you have cut your self and screamed out about it.

When every time you meet you quietly sit and listen to the myriad of stories and opinions they are allowed to hold.
When the gas pedal is always far to the front.
Its like you are unimportant and sometimes nonexistant
you could just be some voice mail device for the self absorbed.

Every story is interrupted.
Its like your job no longer exist, your essense your personality
ignored, unimportant.
Its quite humbling actually when you look forwad to buying the cigarettes so that the clerk at the gas station smiles and tells you to have nice day.
You genuinely wish it back though the message was soully her perfunctory act.
Its like finding love in candy wrapper jokes or unsettling fortune cookies.

When you realize its time to let go of people who cant see beyond their smoky mirror in front of their face..
They gigle and laugh and tell stories about them selves to the delighted mirror head.

I have started to grow a tree branch out of my head.
The mirrorfaces cant even see it...
Sometimes its covered in nest and debris.
they are still....neglecting seeing anything outside their round orbs.

Unimportant tree head.

The future of the planet is in turmoil.
HAHAHA.
tell that to the medievel preacher...he would tell you it fills his pockets with money...

the fundamentlist...do you remember Jim Baker and the christian themed fun park?
God does not babysit us...and provided wet and wild rides...he doesnt forgive sins...or open up pearly gates...or send us to firey peril. Its malarky.

yeah. wasting energy and consuming is not good. "the more you consume the less you live."
the students havent quite yet learned that...though they are the worst at it. easily trained...god fearing hypocrites...that mimic in doll like fashion. their parents movements.

ridiculous.chant. Freedom forever except for everyone butbrown people.
I dont agree with you. see thats why there is no fence to sit on. RACISM is hatred.
and policies of it. SUCK.

If we let eighth graders rule the world...you would see the pretty, the powerful and the pseduosmart would reign.
knowledge would be doctrinated. and consumed. fabricated for manipulation and control.
and the slaves would eat moldy fruit and work together in small close quarters and given ripe fruit as reward for obedience.
sound familiar.

i was never met for the 9 to five life.
lover i am. politics. are different people hating and ignoring other people.
its sick. and they would rather take a big turd on a prestine old growth forest and turn it into a disney world..roller coaster...than leave it alone and let some place not be dominated or destroyed by humans.
infestations.

i dont want to eradicate such a curious creative beast. just most of its leaders and their dynasties of greed. teach responsibility. learn love. then they would have to listen to the REAL jesus.
how ridiculous you all look. love love love..and you say not to you. you were born wrong. you were the wrong country the wrong color the wrong religion.
now when did jesus say that? we dont know.
just because he forgives you doesnt mean you can mercilessly commit sins all over the place.

who cares really...

boring. boring. boring.
violin screetching.

Ani difranco screams. simon and garfunkel howl...at ginsberg...
alice walker protests...toni morrison laughs...and then we just sulk.
at our neo Warholian duplicities.

ugh.

anger ramble

You simply could not pay enough attention to that singular detail could you?

I think you would pry it and pick and let it scab over and then begin your investigative process of foul habits.

It sickens me the way people get so self absorbed and fester and fight and bore holes into people who smile, and give and cook and assist.

I wish there was a version of the an underground group like PETA...that went around torturing abusive husband, boyfriends, and fathers. I know that sounds harsh...and Im the first one to turn the other cheek but I want to defend these people. I dont want them to walk around and hate themselves because other people hate them.

Im tired of that sickness. I lived with it long enough...and anyone close enough to me knows exactly what I am speaking of...One of my close friends tells me to act as though I am a prince and deserve the best treatment. Its hard when I find it difficult not to be humble to any other living thing. I often resort to those feelings of self loathing and depreciation because thats what I was told and how I was treated...and then I go on courting men in my life that have done the same. Same down casting tone, same sarcastic bitterness, same brutal blows.

Im not a cowboy when it comes to morality. I mess up, but I try really hard to put my desires behind others. I know that sounds like some stupid monk's line. Or at least ridiculous...because we are selfish but if we realize that helping others brings joy...then its a little bit more justified. Im not talking codependence here but real giving.

Anyway. maybe thats the revolution. every stuck up arrogant asshole would get a slap across their face. and told very sternly by Oprah that they suck. They truly suck as a human being and need to turn their lives around and pay attention to there friends, lovers, dogs, and children.
Stop worrying about their hair and their nails...and realize that the self obsessing wont attract more men but just annoy the fuck out of someone else.

Ill tell you Im pretty fucking pissed off right now. And Ill kick your dumb ass hide in what you deem as selfish, or you are working on your own shit right now...its no excuse for emotional irresponsibility..


Peace.

list things to do.

TO DO:
Change Oil
GO shopping
Go to the gym , ok this is boring...ummm lets go for long term like in the next five-seven years:
Get into a good MFA program
learn more about Ceramics and buy a wheel and kiln
Buy a loom
Graduate from an MFA program
Climb a really high mountain.
Quit smoking
Fall in love again and again.
Return to Europe...summer in Italy..
Hmmm...buy a house and work on it.
Learn italian in italy...while im taking classes on ceramics and traveling and immersing myself in culture....(any amazing cultural center can be replaced with Italy)
Hmmm. keep visiting New York...
Retreat...for three months in Nova Scotia...
Travel to Asia for a trip...cambodia, japan, thailand, china...mongolia...pick one and do it.
or australia...for a long time...maybe i should study there.
Buy a small place or land in NewMexico for future visits and maybe retirement or good investment.
ok..well i wont accomplish all of it but it seems possible
but then again...in the past five years i finished two degrees, lived in the desert, cemented my knowledge of spanish, and traveled and study in spain, and england...
lived in Paraguay, tried the peace corps...
traveled to almost every state of the country..
in love twice...wait three times..now
and climbed several mountains.
ok wait maybe last seven years...thats a lucky number anyway..

hmmm i like my list...
i know this is the happy...grab life by the horns part of me..
but that part is what gets thing done.

i think i wont avoid
debt
disappointment
sadness
pain
doubt
regret
or any other emotion.
especially a broken heart. i love that one so much.

off i go...im planning a trip to idaho...
a class where i learn how to use photoshop..well
and of course..new mexico...
with a quick jaunt..to Arches..Moab...Utah...the stuff of good memories.

today i am happy. i will slurp vegetarian.
sweat in a sweathouse, and movie in a movie house.

its friday. the day i have been waiting...
im happy because i got a bigger room to teach in next year.
they do listen.

Regardless of what happens...dont ever stop trying.
I didnt visit italy...and i havent found a boyfriend...
i still havent sky dived, visited africa
or bungee jumped, and i cant speak japanese.
but life is a long time
sometimes it seem short and you wake up and your only 37.

fear is just a nother little hill to walk up.

it took me 200 bowls to create one that wouldnt bust in a kiln.
i wanted to be patient...but i had to keep doing...to get there

peace out.
this one i have to read on the days i feel so dead.

Tests and absorbtion

sI feel like Im taking tests all over the place.
I watch the students anxiety over six days of testing. Yes six days of testing.
The reason for this: to realize how bad the public schools are in South Carolina.
I will tell you this I doubt its much worse anywhere else. This is the bottom of the barrell.
I retain the same anxiety from the test and it manifests eout in loud barks. Those days when they are forced to be scholarly, eh hem, schooly again they resist like oil marks and watercolor. I mainly make vague notions about work and just ensure their safety those days. It is all I can do. There is about seventy five reasons why taking tests in the warm spring time is ludicrous and only one reason why they actually do it. Linear thinking, retention. The students will and most definitely forget the majority of what they learned because despite all the efforts to retain a more relevant curriculum all these test have basically create a very communist system. Memorize facts and regurgitate. Not relevant if you are headed toward a life of crime or a job landscaping or flipping burgers. Maybe if you want to go to a technical school and become a veterinary assistant. It might help you but I doubt it. I went to private school because I knew my parents could afford it and I was bored and unchallenged. I had one good teacher in public school the first ear of highschool, thats right ONE out of six. Pathetic. At least I believe there is a lot of successful teachers here and only a few that show videos and sit back and relax and let it all play out.
But you really arent interested in hearing my theories on contemporary education in America. They are bleak and sad. Despite all of that I have fun. I love my students and know them all. I also love art. Its perfect anywhere I go its not gonna be hard to find job satisfaction. Now, It doesnt mean Ill stay there for more than a school year.

I have also seemed to be testing myself: my limitations emotionally physically and mentally. You see I was born with a lobsided heart literally and figuiratively. And despite my efforts to maintain a equitable and fair demeanor towards others, I falter. I try to be just and kind daily. I apologize for anger outbursts, and befriend those people most difficult to befriend. I often times find myself surrounded by beautiful people but they are from the island of lost and forgotten toys. I suppose I might be one of them but I am not looking for an owner or the dream of becoming a dentist. But alas Ill admit I might be broken but not lost or forgotten quite the contrary. So how broken can I become and how much pain can I endure with this lobsided heart. I have reached capacity between all the people that demand my attention, affection and love, I have to make some changes. I have realized that my reserves are depleting rapidly and that if I dont cut my shit out soon Im gonna end up in the loony bin, and I am sure the toys there are truly lost and forgotten.

So off the sauce, in the gym and hit the road. Idaho. I think its one of my favorite words but its complete nonsense. A congress men lied to the US senate and told them it was a Shoshone word that meant gem of the mountains. A total fabrication but it stuck. They bought it and now it seems to mean remote, and beautiful and sometimes freighteningly conservative militias live here. Well not to me, its a song I sing to myself daily. "Pack my bags and I want to go...Idaho."
I know silly romantic rambling around the countryside hiking. I hope I meet some interesting folk on my journey this summer.

I see my absorbtion...as a way for avoiding test. Test of time and test of love intertwining. I think its to avoid the holes...and get out the anxiety that fills my soul. Quest unfullfilled for seasons and years maybe. But I know I have given out morelove in thrity years than most can in a lifetime. And before I start tearing at my flesh and loosing my teeth I have to answer all the questions and give it back to my instructor before the end of the school day. So here goes: The capital of Wyoming, hmmm Cheyenne? The highest peak in South Carolina, Sassafrass Mountain. Favorite apple, Gala. Okay you get the point. The absorbed alcoholic refuses to answer these simple questions, and walks away and points and laughs. he cries to and listens to the sad somber stories of others wallowing, unmovable and stretched before their graves. Its time to stop mourning and pretending Im dying for the time being. Ill die in your minds the sad indian brave who lost his son. Ill die as shadow overtakes your soul and you mute your own tartness. But soon she will set herself free, I will take a wild ride. And he may be on the island again the one I found him on...

Tests and absorbtion.
Pushed, delayed and untimed
Painted, delicate layers.



I have become absorbed most recently