One week before i turn and see three decades

One week before I turn and see three decades..
I hate that we package things in language and human ways like this
like Utah Phillips.."a journalistic convenience"...
I do want to be thirty because the alternative is rotting

I am thinking about what to teach my students this week in my public school with severe white conservative christian undertones...
drawing lessons...over and over...
i think im the only person that looks human and not
from some spaced out place...like backwoods, south cackelackey..
we complain about this place being backwards and it is.
the schools are horrible...no one who is different from the majority matters...and they all support the "war"
i shut my mouth most days..
slurp some coffee.
run on treadmills and lift weights..
but my rebellion is somewhat sinister.
art is the only tool i have in my arsenal to look at things differently.
i may not say my beliefs...but at least i dont dismiss them entirely...
its like being in a closet..
i cant tell you what it is like to be different and a liberal in a southern backwoods educational system.
its living fear.

i balk at. laugh at it..and pretend generally that it causes me little stress
i guess thats why i go to the gym
to work out what i cant...in a paiting or creative sentences.

i remember i used to be someone else.
like someone scared of places, differences and people.
the thing is i love my students...even if they would rather see me hung at gallows if they really heard the truth
of course some dont care...they like that i value their ideas opinions and lifestyles...
people condemn kids for creating their own culture...and i guess thats where i defend them...and give them a break...
im on tangent i hope these blogs get better.
so i walk toward thirty facing fears of prejudice, ostracism and faith in my abilities as an educator.
i dont think its half bad...for thirty.
Goals accomplished.:
speak a second language check
try to learn other languages check
live in s america check
live in europe check
live in the southwest check
get a masters degree check
study architecture in britain check.
boyfriend? ummm...
skydiving?
appalachian trail?
pacific rim?
mount everest?
well....still more to do....
(i cant believe i havent had a real boyfriend!)
I used to promise suicide if by such and such a date that i would have a boyfriend... even if it only lasted a few months...but some guy who would be proud to tell people that i was his...
sounds goofy and adoloscent but id like to know what it feels like to have someone be proud of their love for you...yeah yeah surrounded by love I am and happy for it...I never went through with those suicidal promises for a reason...but you know....im still happy...even without one.


ok you get it... ...i worked my ass off and accomplished a lot. so
ill stop for now ..."im just like everbody else..."
i got to go hit the books.
-Coal