lock it away.

I am spending so much time roaming around
darting, and flying.
because i want to be touched. and ill do just about anything to be close to someone. So I have to keep moving, walking, talking. Listening, distracting myself. to avoid it.
Its pathetic. I dont know why I get like this, I can take care of myself.

Im sure i'll pretend and it will pass.

Its part of me. that people see, I think. Its on my forhead.

The pain of needing human touch. I think i paid for the massage because i needed it so badly. It didnt matter who it was. but someone touching you and feeling parts of you that never get felt by anyone but you. i think whores are cheaper than that massage.

Im gonna wake up tomorrow hopefully without any regrets. with this deep pain that cant be soothed.. because its been so long since hands have lingered.

and my Guardian will wake up...and walk outside...emptying out my jar..pouring out all of this..for women and children..when the truth is i need hardness..and comfort..and no amount of giving or listening or helping or waiting will ever quell that.

Dont tell me to get over it.
it haunts me..when i deny it. My body is the one thing I cant run away from.
I hate that it tells me what it needs and i cant ever feed it.
it wont shut up. its like you just want to tell it to die, there is no food for you.
accept it. and shut the hell up.

lock it in the cellar and pretend its not there. I close my eyes
and wish and wish and wish.