Tests and absorbtion

sI feel like Im taking tests all over the place.
I watch the students anxiety over six days of testing. Yes six days of testing.
The reason for this: to realize how bad the public schools are in South Carolina.
I will tell you this I doubt its much worse anywhere else. This is the bottom of the barrell.
I retain the same anxiety from the test and it manifests eout in loud barks. Those days when they are forced to be scholarly, eh hem, schooly again they resist like oil marks and watercolor. I mainly make vague notions about work and just ensure their safety those days. It is all I can do. There is about seventy five reasons why taking tests in the warm spring time is ludicrous and only one reason why they actually do it. Linear thinking, retention. The students will and most definitely forget the majority of what they learned because despite all the efforts to retain a more relevant curriculum all these test have basically create a very communist system. Memorize facts and regurgitate. Not relevant if you are headed toward a life of crime or a job landscaping or flipping burgers. Maybe if you want to go to a technical school and become a veterinary assistant. It might help you but I doubt it. I went to private school because I knew my parents could afford it and I was bored and unchallenged. I had one good teacher in public school the first ear of highschool, thats right ONE out of six. Pathetic. At least I believe there is a lot of successful teachers here and only a few that show videos and sit back and relax and let it all play out.
But you really arent interested in hearing my theories on contemporary education in America. They are bleak and sad. Despite all of that I have fun. I love my students and know them all. I also love art. Its perfect anywhere I go its not gonna be hard to find job satisfaction. Now, It doesnt mean Ill stay there for more than a school year.

I have also seemed to be testing myself: my limitations emotionally physically and mentally. You see I was born with a lobsided heart literally and figuiratively. And despite my efforts to maintain a equitable and fair demeanor towards others, I falter. I try to be just and kind daily. I apologize for anger outbursts, and befriend those people most difficult to befriend. I often times find myself surrounded by beautiful people but they are from the island of lost and forgotten toys. I suppose I might be one of them but I am not looking for an owner or the dream of becoming a dentist. But alas Ill admit I might be broken but not lost or forgotten quite the contrary. So how broken can I become and how much pain can I endure with this lobsided heart. I have reached capacity between all the people that demand my attention, affection and love, I have to make some changes. I have realized that my reserves are depleting rapidly and that if I dont cut my shit out soon Im gonna end up in the loony bin, and I am sure the toys there are truly lost and forgotten.

So off the sauce, in the gym and hit the road. Idaho. I think its one of my favorite words but its complete nonsense. A congress men lied to the US senate and told them it was a Shoshone word that meant gem of the mountains. A total fabrication but it stuck. They bought it and now it seems to mean remote, and beautiful and sometimes freighteningly conservative militias live here. Well not to me, its a song I sing to myself daily. "Pack my bags and I want to go...Idaho."
I know silly romantic rambling around the countryside hiking. I hope I meet some interesting folk on my journey this summer.

I see my absorbtion...as a way for avoiding test. Test of time and test of love intertwining. I think its to avoid the holes...and get out the anxiety that fills my soul. Quest unfullfilled for seasons and years maybe. But I know I have given out morelove in thrity years than most can in a lifetime. And before I start tearing at my flesh and loosing my teeth I have to answer all the questions and give it back to my instructor before the end of the school day. So here goes: The capital of Wyoming, hmmm Cheyenne? The highest peak in South Carolina, Sassafrass Mountain. Favorite apple, Gala. Okay you get the point. The absorbed alcoholic refuses to answer these simple questions, and walks away and points and laughs. he cries to and listens to the sad somber stories of others wallowing, unmovable and stretched before their graves. Its time to stop mourning and pretending Im dying for the time being. Ill die in your minds the sad indian brave who lost his son. Ill die as shadow overtakes your soul and you mute your own tartness. But soon she will set herself free, I will take a wild ride. And he may be on the island again the one I found him on...

Tests and absorbtion.
Pushed, delayed and untimed
Painted, delicate layers.



I have become absorbed most recently