Denial

I know now the extent to everything. The conversations with Daniel, that you stayed with him. That you talked to him. That you were dating him at the same time keeping one foot out the door the whole time.  I didn't have someone or anyone I was relying on outside of you. That's why you didn't trust my love and my intention because you never trusted it yourself. Because you couldn't trust yourself. 

And it happened. All the things that you didn't trust came to a head and you exploded in rage on me because I wasn't having another day or moment where you implied/said projected your own fears onto me. But that's not all the work you said you were doing wasn't about us. It was about you as it should be. But why was I the focus of your own fears? Because i wanted you? All of you dark sexual you? Bright beautiful you? Sad hurt you? Amazing loving us? I had to be perfect. You never allowed me to be sad, hurt, confused, depressed, I was some spin off of an idea. Not a real person. You never really thought about how I felt when you were angry. You thought about yourself. Even when you apologized you said what you did to me hurt you worse, like you were a master and I was a rogue slave not in line with what you desired in my behavior, my body, my dress, my actions. But nothing was farther from that truth. I love you Michael. I know you hurt, crave, want it over, escape, run, fight, give in...  I wanted to be your refuge from it but instead you made me into the cause of it. And never listened to my hurt and my pain. Yours was always worse. And I deserved to feel it. I was never with anyone when we were together. never. I did when we were apart and I felt horrible. But I thought how could the man I love hurt me like this? But you were and you never denied it.  Gym guy? And who else? I smelled your beard once and kNew you had eaten someone else ass. On more than one occasion.  I read an email that said (4tg of July) pkease don't even cuddle, hug or anything with anyone else while you were doing that same thing with Daniel while , I was crying and sad alone with heterosexual people.
He was in love with you and you strung him along.  Told me he was a stalker. 

Blame blame blame you said I blame you. You projected onto me your own lies. I wasn't  looking for a way out I was looking for a way forward. 

But how? You told me I was fucking everyone, you believed it, and now it just sucks. 

Because you have your family, acquaintances, friends, life here and I have nothing but my job which I love.  But you denied me anything else my family, my friends, and even Harley with us at night in bed. 

Why? Because they would have said no, that's not right, you deserve more. You are beautiful and kind and he doesn't or won't see it. 

That's why you love me, because inspite of all that had happened I know your heart. Your true self, and I wanted everyone to see it. 

But you were not ready. 

That night even, how loving you were to my cause and my kids . Love.

When you made trips to school to bring me lunch. Love. 

When I held you at night and you squeezed back. Love.

When you told me horrible stories of your trauma as a child. And I listened, and loved you so hard. 

When you cried because your struggle was so hard, Love.

When you needed my help with school, Love. 

When you lashed out at me after we went to Canada and we couldn't get in, and I was patient and forgiving, Love. 

When I forgave you for saying hurtful words, Love. When you forgave me for for having sec after you beat me, Love, 

When you told me you would never hurt me again, Love. 

When you got high and left over and over, Love. 

The night you called me a slut, whore because I wanted lube, 

And I was beaten over the head and left for dead. 

Then worried I had brain bleed. And you lied to the police and said i had hit you, 

When we sat in jail I was caked in blood and in disgustingly hot uniform of the jail, 

When you apologized for hurting me and said it hurt you worse while I still have open wounds on my scalp months later, 

When I tried to contact you knowing I could lose all my family and friends if I forgave you, Love 

How you rejected it,

How I search everyday to see if your okay, Love. 

How I wish I could just be next to you and none of that happened, Love

How I know now none of it was my fault, Love.

How so many people see me as kind and caring and capable of love, Love

How you always made me feel like I was a piece of shit and selfish, 

I wasn't ever. 

How you blamed me for not coming to the hospital after I brought you there, 

How you fought with my mother and then expected me to abandon her for you telling me I gave you a bacterial infection that you got on your own, 

How you treated me in Idaho when I did everything you asked but it wasn't enough, 

And I still loved you and forgave you for being selfish, Love

How you reacted when we first got together and I offered you a place to stay but you kept using and pushed me away, 

How I gave in and let you get away with it, 

How I tolerated name calling and screaming in my face to the point my own anger and yelling came out, 

How you threw a bottle of dish detergent at my head,

How you held my neck and lied about contacting my ex, 

How you scared my dog, 

How we scared our dogs, 

How I drank to deal with it, 

How you drank with me and lost your marbles over and over 

How we made love, Love

How you shamed my sexual desires and yours,

How you shamed me,

Did you want me to die? 

Do you want me to die? 

If you had killed me would you feel ok? 

Are you high right now? Do you really think I can recover from all that? 

Sent from my iPhone